Fictitious Argument with Lewis Black

I'm going to see Lewis Black on stage tonight.

If I ever get into an argument with Lewis Black it would probably go something like:

Lewis: "Have you ever been to the jungle?"

Me: "I was walking through the jungle one day with my mom and we bumped into a boa constrictor."

Lewis: "Your MOM?  My mom took me to the zoo!"

Me: "Zoos are like a jungle, but with bathrooms."

Then things would get a bit confused.

Me: "'Hey, mom, look out, there's a boa constrictor', I would say." Then he would say: "That's nice dear."

Lewis: "I don't know what kind of shit you're on, kid, but I like the cut of your jib.  Why don't you slide off that boa you're riding on and get on the reality train?"

Then there's ice cream.  Did you know there's ice cream in the jungle?

What would it take to get you to tell me where I'm going?

Today's mini-rant:

I need an easily-replaceable part for my car.  It's a data update disc for a dashboard GPS.  It would take me ten minutes to swap, and it would take them three hours at the dealer's garage and there's nothing to do in that part of town so I would be bored.

I can't buy it from my dealer and have it shipped to my house; not allowed.  I would have to pick it up (the dealer is not THAT inconvenient to get to, but let's pretend it is).

I also can't call the manufacturer corporation and have it sent direct from them; not allowed.  And neither party has a web site I can order it from.  Oh, and they won't tell me what the part # is; not allowed.  So I can't source it otherwise.

So, they make this part / data disc, want to charge me money for it, I WANT to give them money for it (so I know it's the latest version and genuine), but they won't take my money at my convenience.  I have to GO somewhere and pick it up.

I understand that car manufacturers have a "special relationship" with their dealers in terms of parts and service (and some of it is legitimate; new break pads should be installed properly etc), but, a data disc for a GPS ?  That's trivial.  The worst that would happen is you don't get to Chuck E. Cheese's on time for your nephew's 4th-birthday bar brawl.

Again, I'm willing to PAY for it; just f*&@!@! SELL it to me and you can split the money any way you want; I promise I won't sue!

I just don't feel customer-serviced right now.